I want to apologize. I feel that I have been dishonest in my representation of my college experience through what I have chosen to post. My days are not all music festivals and live tapings of talkshows. In truth, that weekend was the only one I have actually gone out with people and done stuff in the city. I mostly just do my homework, go to class, or waste time in my dorm room. I will leave the campus to go to my Japanese lesson each weekend when I walk over a mile to get to the Waldorf Astoria, but otherwise I do not get out much.
This is my own fault, of course. I know this sounds bad, but I don’t really want to have to lie and say that everything is perfect. Since Friday, I have been feeling pretty down, actually. My school has two campuses and the sporting facilities are on the other one. I knew that, and I still chose to come to the campus without the sporting facilities. I have not been going to the YMCA very much (a bad habit I need to kick, once I get a bit more on top of the workload that went from 0-100 in a mere week), but even there, there are no basketball leagues. I miss being on a team and having that support system/community that comes with trying your hardest and working towards a common goal at something you all love. Sports have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, so now that I have made that part of me obsolete, I am panicked. This is not a sentiment unique to me or my situation, though.
I have no idea who I am. It is also possible that I never actually knew who I was in the first place. Leaving the place that I called home for the last 18 years to the place where I have always dreamt of living has not gone how I planned. Without sports, my family, or my friends as a support system/something familiar, my identity is somewhat a mystery to me. I am not entirely comfortable exploring the city on my own because I am not entirely comfortable with myself anymore. New York City is not a place that will baby you, which is a fantastic thing, but it has also been a tough pill to swallow. This independence is unlike anything I have had or really sought out before. I am aware that a month has flown by and I have trouble thinking of ways I have taken advantage of what the city has to offer. I know that this is bad. I hope that by writing this, you know that I want to be open, not only with others, but with myself, that something needs to change within me if I want to ever live life to the fullest and enjoy college while it lasts.
I am choosing to challenge myself to getting the most out of the city possible. In trying to get out and do something different or explore somewhere new each day, I hope that I will also be discovering who I am when my identity no longer revolves around a city and the relationships and image I had forged over 18 years. This is my life behind the curtain. This is also hopefully the lowest I will ever get. In coming to NYC I knew that I was taking a risk, which is something that I usually try to avoid. I have always loved to play things safe, whether it is basketball or monopoly. But that needs to end. In going out of my comfort zone, I will change.
Time to take action. Word.
P.S. Thank you so much to everyone that has supported me so much through my various meltdowns and freakouts over these past few days. I will promise that they (probably) won’t happen from here on out 🙂
P.P.S. Ball is still and will always be life. Also happy hockey season, everyone. Let’s Go Pens!!!!!!